The Music of 2011

 -  in which artists catch grenades, there are rumours that Mick Jagger sold his soul and we’re advised not to buy Simon Cowell Christmas presents.

I have a theory: if Adele and Bruno Mars were to be allowed to procreate (providing Adele could get over her ex) I reckon it’d bring about the birth of a bi-polar, musical Anti-Christ. The child, in turn, would eventually start penning songs that would catapult listeners from happy to melancholy in a split second, thus giving us whip lash. Slowly but surely, we’d become a nation of emotionally handicapped, sorrow-craving junkies who all wore neck braces.  

So no-one has really dug up any musical gems this year, have they? I mean, it was indeed a good year for some genres. A lot of good electronic music has emerged - Calvin Harris has blasted out a couple of decent tracks - and there has been a few good pop and hip-hop numbers, such as Katy Perry’s Firework and Kanye West’s All of the Lights. But, let’s not lie, over all it’s been pretty bleak.

So, I’ve decided to make a list of artists and songs that made my 2011 that little-bit extra shit.

Adele –  21 (seconds in and I’m reaching for a knife.)

Adele, of course, can always be relied on to dampen your mood. By the end of her album, you’ll be edging  a knife slowly towards your wrists – though that’s not because of her lack of talent, it’s just because she shows us  how hurtful a broken heart can be...track, after track, after track.

Rebecca Black – Friday (this is what happens when rich parents cave into their daughter's whim.)

‘Friday’ is one of the worst songs to slither out of this year’s untalented musical womb. The song was viewed by more than 167 million people.  What’s more impressive is the 3 million ‘dislikes’ it received. You know when you see a horrific accident and slow down to sadistically admire it? Well, that’s the same as listening to Rebecca Black’s debut. Society has always had a fascination with the morbid, this song proves it. That said, Black did donate a hell of a lot of the proceeds to charity, which, having been forced to listen to the song an obscene amount of times, makes me feel good about myself – I suffered so a charity could prevail.  

Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jagger (is Maroon the plural of moron?)

This single is positively nauseating and, no matter how great your efforts are, it haunts you from dusk till slumber. I’ve not heard anything this arrogant since the cast of Glee beheaded Don’t Stop Believing.  I know Mick Jagger has made some mistakes in his career, but for the sake of his humanity and soul I pray he didn’t give this band of idiots his blessing. 

Rihanna  - Talk That Talk (though, I wish you’d stop.)

Rihanna should be congratulated on three things: 

1) Mastering the art of auto-tuning your way through the composition of an entire album.

2) Overcoming the temporary amnesia she suffered early this year – you know, when she kept forgetting her name?

3) Being one step away from pleasuring her marital parts on stage.

Bruno Mars – Doo-wops and Hooligans (Eh?)

After plaguing us with so many awful singles, I harbour nothing but disdain and loathing for this man. “Turn on the TV, throw my hands down my pants” - go speak to Rihanna, she’s into that sort of thing. And whilst you two are conversing about how to further ruin the music industry, I’ll launch a grenade at her – let’s see if you’re all talk, Bruno.

I was glad, however, to see that the X-Factor took its typical nonchalant approach to ‘finding the next big thing from the UK’, whilst honouring their annual tradition of ritually sacrificing a once respected song for the ‘good’ of the Pop World.

 I won’t lie; I get carried away with the X-Factor live shows every year. During said shows, my Twitter and Facebook are bombarded with running commentary on what’s happening. I forcefully thrust my opinion on unsuspecting members, telling them that if they disagree with me, I’ll hunt them down with the fury of a scorned lover, remove their ears with a blunt Stanley knife and feed them  to the contestants on next year’s ‘I’m a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here’ – told you I get carried away.

 However, we were in for a special treat this year. The show’s producers obviously realised that the public were growing weary of Cheryl Cole’s lacrimal gland disorder, which caused her to frequently erupt into tears, and Simon’s ‘it’s not good enough; it’s never good enough. Don’t even bother getting me a Christmas present this year, I’ll likely hate it’ attitude. 

With this in mind, they decide to present us with a new “generation” of judges – though they kept Louis Walsh; I suspect partly because he’s a loose cannon that may blow at any time and that, well, he has that cute, granddad-like quality about him. The line up were: Gary Barlow, who never ceased to impress us with his perfect beard; Kelly Rowland, who whole-heartily embraced the stereotype and Tulisa, who has since been flaunting her new found wealth on Twitter. “What car should I buy, peasants?” 

The winner this year was a girl group – which, shock horror, was an X-Factor first. Little Mix, or as I like to call them Toad and the Frogettes, croaked their way to the final where, with the help of Simon’s record label, they proceeded to brutally murder Damien Rice’s 'Cannonball' in cold blood.

As I said earlier, no real musical gems have been discovered this year; we won’t be adding anything to the treasure trove of priceless songs. Don’t fret though; we get to do it all again next year. Yay.

The Lost Generation

You wake up in a drunken stupor, the taste of last night’s alcohol still on your breath. Frantically you scan the room, trying to get a bearing of where you are. Eventually you accept defeated: not even Google maps can save you. Moments later, flashes from the previous night begin to appear in your memory: God, I drank too much. How much money did I spend? I can’t believe I got kicked out that club. That was an interesting threesome I had with those two Europeans I only just met last night. Man, I better go home and sleep this off. Thank God I don’t have a job – working with this hangover would be brutal.

Despite their lack of jobs, most Scottish youngsters still find funds to go out on a bender every weekend. They stroll down the street with their flashy smart phones, trendy attire and 50 pound haircuts - being broke never looked so good. All they have to do to finance next Friday’s binge is go into the Job Centre, make-up a few job searches, attend a five minute interview and sign a bit of paper. Why the hell would you want to work? This seems pretty peachy.

“I see a lot of 18 to 24-year-olds come in here and blatantly lie about searching for jobs. Half the time they don’t even go on our website and copy down jobs that are actually there; I think they just make them up.” Fiona is an advisor at a Job Centre in Dundee, “Part of my job is conducting a short interview with the person claiming Job Seekers, then I search jobs with them and check that they’ve been looking.” She believes that there are youths out there who really do want jobs, but the large majority simply can’t be bothered working. “I think a lot of it is family dependent. If you have an older brother or sister, or maybe a parent, who has been unemployed for a long time, then that can quite often have a negative effect. ‘They aren’t working, why should I?’ attitude. Quite frankly I find it frustrating. Having a job gives you a sense of purpose and helps you pay your way. Young people don’t think the jobs being offered are good enough for them, they want to start at the top.”

It won’t be news to anybody that we’re currently nursing a fragile economy; there aren’t enough jobs at the moment as no-one can afford to take on more staff but sometimes a lack of job comes from a lack of trying – either that or Argos have adopted a military style recruitment training programme and none of us are meeting their requirements.

However, it isn’t just the lack of employment that is worrying about today’s youth; it’s their behaviour. It’s not that they embark on riotous rampages - smashing shop windows, setting fire to cars, sticking cats up trees and so forth – but over the last decade, Scotland’s youth culture has become a lot more drink orientated. It’s not the alcohol itself that’s the problem more the amount of it consumed. You can try telling them off, but they’ll just look at their shoes and snort because you’re old and dull and they hate you.

Any Friday, you’re guaranteed to see swarms of drunken folk zigzagging all over the place. Young folk are out to have a good time which, by popular definition, means getting absurdly drunk – the NHS calls this binge drinking, they call it fun.  On a typical day, the recommended amount of alcohol for a man to drink is 3-4 units (equivalent to a pint and a half of beer) and for woman it’s 2-3 units (equivalent to a 175 ml glass of wine). The problem isn’t that they exceed this limit, but rather that they do it on such a regular basis.

Around 40% of patients under the age of 25 are admitted because of alcohol-related incidents. This ‘loads or none, never have one’ attitude affects other areas too. Binge drinking commonly leads to violent, aggressive and anti-social behaviour. 50% of street crimes are drink induced, as well as 30% of sexual offences and 33% of burglaries, most of which are committed by persons aged between 16 to 24.

Another issue, albeit less serious and slightly amusing, with youth is the way they dress, especially girls. The majority of shops have a vast selection of skimpy attire on sale – some more than others – and many girls buy into this as it helps their self-esteem (highlights their ‘assets’, if you will.) The reason for this behaviour, they also believe it makes them appear older. If you dress promiscuously and pile on the war paint, then you have more chance of looking over 18 which means, shockingly, they can get into pubs and clubs.

Guys aren’t much different, the majority of male youths are vain, self-obsessed and sex driven. Looking good will get you the girl – sad, but true. In the grand scheme of things though, what they wear isn’t really hurting anybody. It’s more a means to an end.

So, is that all the youth have to offer? A bunch of unemployed, binge drinking, sex-craving, lazy (except when trying to get lucky, of course) good-for-nothings? No. Not all of them anyway. There is a mass of untapped potential out there, yet the fact is a lot of them won’t get their chance to shine as the opportunity isn’t available to them. The Scottish government has announced its plans to tackle youth unemployment by working with some of Scotland’s largest employers. The government plan to create 25,000 modern apprenticeships for youths, which is definitely a step in the right direction.

However, the drinking and the lack of motivation is an issue and sadly it isn’t one that will fix itself. Our generation isn’t lost –just misguided.