Saturday, 31 March 2012
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Jeezo, Old-firm madness!
Getting back from town today was absolute chaos. Literally had to wade through sea of Rangers fans to get to my bus, before having to pull some ninja-style moves to get on it. Add blistering heat to an over-crowded bus composed of fired-up, half cut football fans to the equation and you've got a very stressful bus journey - that said, it was still more pleasant than any Stagecoach venture I've ever taken.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Flip the Bird.
- In which seagulls get told to f*ck off; the Americans stick their nose in and St Andrews is set upon by feral birds.
Seagulls; the unfavorable addition to any seaside trip. If you’ve ever visited a coastal town you’ll be no stranger to them, in fact you may have even done battle with one in order to save your chippy. They’re local residents in any seaside town you go to, but what do you think of them? Do you find them cute and cuddly or do you see them as feral, winged menaces? Members of the St Andrew’s local residents’ association and other householders have engaged the Angus-based company, Senna Environmental Protection, for assistance in dealing with seagull ‘problem’ that is causing misery to townspeople.
Welcome to upper-middle class society and the toils and trials they are forced to face.
The proposed solution to the seagull quandary is to release South American Harris Hawks into the town centre in a bid to scare off the significant number of seagulls. The hawks will be employed (yes, they have National Insurance numbers) for a four-month period and will patrol the skies like fearless, winged guards, warding off the gulls and hopefully decreasing their population.
In theory, if you bypass the comical insanity that is this over-dramatic measure, this is a good idea. Seagulls have their irksome traits; swooping, flapping, scavenging our waste. They’re noisy and not to mention the unsanitary bird droppings that litter the pavements, buildings, roofs and balconies. But I can’t help but feel that bringing hawks in is somewhat cruel to the seagulls that, after all, are just doing what comes natural to them.
“Seagulls are a serious issue! I was in Aberdeen once and I got this posh cheese sandwich, and this seagull swooped down from the air and stole my sandwich!” complains Lauren Aitchison.
The pestering you’re subjected by seagulls when you’re eating is an inconvenience that we all can relate to, but that’s all it is; an inconvenience. There are complaints of the aggressive behaviour exercised by gulls. According to the NBC ‘Bird and Pest Control’ website seagulls often attack people during nesting season to protect their nests and problems also extend to swooping at people. Their droppings also pose certain health risks. Seagull guano, as it formally known, is not only unsightly but a potential health risk especially near ventilation systems and rooftop plant machinery – it’s also acidic and can cause damage to vehicles and buildings. Imagine that! Acid poo droppings dissolving through and messing up the paint job on your BMW - brave fellows driving around in St Andrews.
After I read through the problems gulls cause, and my fit of hysterical laughter had subsided, I was left with the following image: Mass amounts of seagulls launch a winged attack on St Andrews, swooping down and mugging locals; thieving their handbags, car keys, skinny hazelnut lattes and Subways. Like an out-of-control, riotous mob they pillage, plunder and plague the townsfolk – snatching up children from the warm embrace of their mothers arms, manically laughing whilst soaring high into the sky before proceeding to drop them, forcing the mothers to watch through tear-stained eyes as the children plummet to their doom. A well-raised elderly couple cower in fear as the gulls descend upon their home, “Hilary, there’s a bird on the roof. Fetch me my hunting rifle!”
Then in fly the Americans - erm, I mean hawks - complete with their own theme tune. Like intrepid, brave winged soldiers they bolt through the sky; taking no prisoners as they do – you can run, but you can’t hide from, dum dum dum, The AMERICANS! I mean, The South American Hawk Patrol! A family of three have been backed into a corner by a flock of overly-aggressive gulls, who are sporting switch blades and flaming batons. The family, struck down by terror, mutter prayers under their breath, desperately asking their fictitious Lord for assistance, fearful that their demise is upon them; but suddenly their prayers are answered. Their winged saviour swoops in and lands gracefully upon the guano-riddled ground, “step away from the family, gull” he bravely squawks, before viciously destroying the seaside menaces with his razor sharp talons and nunchuk skills.
In all seriousness though, there are a lot more logical, less extreme and more humane ways with dealing with bird pest problems. ‘Gull scarers’ could be put up, leading the seagulls to simply think there are birds of prey about. Also, electric bird control deterrent, oiling surfaces and bird ‘fake fire’ gel are other solutions that can be engaged and asking the hawks for assistance raises problems of its own. Other seaside towns over the UK have had problems with ‘the Falconry response’ program. They have been known to terrorise locals and launch kamikaze attacks on unsuspecting passersby. So really, you’re just swapping one problem for another aren’t you? I’d pick gulls over talon-sporting hawks any day – those things draw blood, you know. Really, what's worse? Potentially acidic seagull droppings/occasional food theft or a rogue, military-trained hawk suffering from post-traumatic stress trying to peck your eyes out?
Over all I think that, given the other problems that our planet has faced/is facing (poverty, war, Alexandra Burke) the seagull situation isn’t really a crisis that calls for such immediate attention. They’re an annoyance, not an epidemic, and at the end of the day the seagull ‘problem’ is just a (bird) drop in the ocean.